My heart is kind of heavy this morning. I woke up thinking about all the moms I have talked to and Kelly Rutherford too. I can list Kelly’s name I feel because she is a well-known actress, has a life “better” than the rest of us common folks, and often we think TV and movie stars have easier in the justice system. In 2015, Kelly like so many other women had a battle in court and like the rest of us, her’s did not end well either. It did not end as she had hoped or even imagined it would have. Like so many of us standing here unable to understand why or how this has happened, but it is and this post today is for all the women and even some men that truly didn’t think it would end up this way.
So I am going to speak directly to Kelly hoping it helps others as well. Kelly I want you to know you are not the only one going through this. I know you have met some amazing women that have helped you on your journey while in court. I know the pain of not having your children with you every day. To have them living in another town, city, state or country. It isn’t just a 20 minute ride to see them, it is a lot of planning, booking flights, hotels, cars and then staying with them in a strange environment that is not anyone’s home really. Nothing in the place you visit your children is yours or theirs, no pictures, no home feeling, none of your belongings or theirs are there. It is just another message of I still can’t get to close to them, it is temporary and this is not home.
I have often said when talking to other moms it is like wearing a scarlet letter on our chest. It is invisible to everyone else but it glares at us every day. It is a hole left in our hearts, it is an invisible hand that squeezes the life out of us if we let it every day. When you lose your kids and you are not a “bad” person there is still a stigma in society that makes you feel bad. People look at you differently because if a court takes away your kids then you must be a bad parent, especially if you are a mom. It is such a blow to your mind, spirit and health. The once happy and filled with love person you once were is now filled with anger, sadness, guilt, pain and a horrible missing feeling that only other parents can understand. It is like you are now a shell and every piece, cell, and the very being of your existence is broken all inside of you. You are just walking around with pieces of your life and sometimes that is enough to freeze you from doing anything else in life.
It does take time for those pieces to mend back together. It does take time for the pain to get less, but it never goes away. You can spend your days thinking back to every second, every minute and hour you spent with your babies. You can drive yourself crazy with the what if I did this in court, or said this, or what if I wouldn’t have done this…. The fact is you cannot change the past events, you cannot change the choices made by you, your ex, or your judge or judges. But what you can change is your outlook to make everything as good as you possible can make it. You are a changed person, you will be forever changed by these events, and you will be so changed that the old you can’t function anymore due to the pain. You go inside yourself, you freeze, and you wrap your own cocoon around you. Change is not scary, change is necessary, it is a must. To come out on top of the whole situation you must change. It is what we women are great at! We change our minds all the time!! It may not be your time yet, if you are still in your cocoon begin to trust yourself, your mind, your decisions again. This is the first step in getting back out there. This is the first step in knowing you can come out on top again. We have been shaken to our core, we have had what truly makes our hearts beat every day taken. And in return we must rise to the occasion, meet it head on and make a new way for our kids work. Everyone’s circumstances are different in life, everyone has a different journey in life. But what makes us all the same is how we can teach one another how to cope and move forward. Our children are depending on us to see them again. Our children are watching to see what we do. Even if they don’t have you there every day do not miss a skype, let them reschedule, do not be intimidated when you do meet them, grow in your own mind and body, learn new coping skills so you can be around your kids without the anger and sadness. Make your time more about being with them instead of buying them everything. Cherish and give such extreme gratitude for all the minutes and hours you have gotten so far and will have more of. When you are with them be in the moment, do not let others words or doubts get in the way of your time. Kelly, it is a huge blow, it deflates the very being we are in such a way words cannot describe the pain. But rise up and make the new situation work, rise up and instead of dwelling on them being over in another country with sadness, learn to embrace it with the possibilities it can bring. Get your planner out and make a game plan for this year. Get back to work because you have more of a fan base now that will be cheering you on. You can do this, you can get back on your feet and come out on top!! For all the other moms out there, I write this for you too. Get back on your feet, get back on top of that mountain and make 2016 a year of positive changes in your life.