Guilt and Emotions

I think most people have walked around with guilty feelings at some point in their lives.  When you do, does it feel like a weight on your shoulder? It presses down on you and leaves you will a feeling of uneasiness all day long.  I use to walk around with this guilt weight on my shoulders for way to many days.   I can remember at one point in my life after my divorce from my daughters dad I felt like my life was run by guilt.  Just the emotional part of divorce and knowing our daughter was having a hard time was good enough for mommy’s guilt to kick in high gear.  My days would be run by guilty feelings and I began to become just one big ball of guilt.  Everything I did or thought seemed to be governed by how guilty I felt that day.

The guilt began to make me feel like I hadn’t done enough that day or I had upset others when I didn’t mean to or maybe I should have done something differently.  This is not the way to live folks.  It just clouds your mind and thoughts and you begin to internalize it to shame.  That’s when you begin to internalize it and begin reacting to circumstances out of guilt and not a clear head.

It’s very draining and distressing living with a constant feeling of guilt. It also stops you from making the most effective and efficient decisions. In other words, you’ll end up making bad decisions simply because you’re reacting to those feelings of guilt.

I had to begin asking myself these questions to pull myself out of guilt.

1. What am I really thinking about?  What I don’t want (like pleasing others) or what I really do want? When I started thinking about what it is I want I began to come up with clear solutions that worked for me not them so much.

2. Look at how you reacted to a situation. have you ever come out of a situation thinking or saying “I shouldn’t have done that” or “It’s all my fault” that is you feeling guilty for what you have done.  Now you can use your guilt to notice that you want to change something in your life.To move forward and go for important things, this is how guilt can move you in a positive way.  Or you can learn to not react on emotions, to think before you react.

3.  Someone pushing your buttons.  We all have these people in our lives and once we begin to see that we are being triggered by words and not emotions we can not react as quickly.  Or we can begin to see these words do nothing for us in our lives and let them have those thoughts and words back.  Just because someone says something that evokes a reaction inside of you doesn’t mean you have to give them a piece of your mind or even your time.  Learn what triggers you with that person and learn new ways to deal with it.

4. Accept we all make mistakes, no one person has or ever will be perfect and learn to forgive yourself!! This is a huge one for most people.  We hear of forgiving others but not so much ourselves.

Be easy on yourself with going through your feelings of guilt.  Remember no one is perfect and we all make mistakes.

 

Shame, Dig Deep

Have you ever wondered what motivates others? For example if someone lashes out at work or over reacts to a situation? Do you take it personally right then? Judge them? Or do you think maybe they have something going on that is bigger than that moment in time?

Talking about guilt this month I see how shame plays a huge part with guilt.  They go hand in hand usually and shame is by far a more unhealthy emotion.  It starts with guilt and grows into a more destructive force inside the person.  Thus it grows and starts to show on the outside environment. Here are some examples I have seen and at the time didn’t realize I had shame or who I was with was going through it.

1.  The over reacting usually in this instance of attacking or striking out at other people. In a last-ditch effort to feel better about their shame, people will oftentimes strike out at others in the hopes that they will be lifted up by bringing others down. A good example of this is when you are younger and you put others down at school by appearance or where they live.  While this behavior may produce short-term relief from shame, in the long-term shame is only strengthened — in both parties — and nothing is done to get at the root of the problem.  Teens are famous for this type but I see it in adults with “keeping up with your neighbors”.

2.  Shame masks your feelings and sometimes seeking power and perfection gives you a feeling of short-term relief. Others attempt to overcome their shame by preventing the possibility of future shame. One way in which they do this is by aiming for perfection — a process that inevitably fails and causes more problems. No one is perfect we all make mistakes and we shouldn’t put that un-needed stress upon ourselves or other people.  Those that push others to be perfect should look inside themselves to see what they lack to push others to be perfect.  Another manner in which people cope is by seeking power, which makes them feel more valuable.  Power is an illusion, you only have your own personal power, not power over others.  When you try to exert your power onto others, know at some point it is going to backfire on you big time.  Rebellion with your kids is perfect example.

3.  Not taking responsibility causes us to divert blame. By blaming our faults or problems on others, we can avoid guilt and shame. Guess what your pattern will resurface and you will more than likely have the problem show up in your life again and again until you deal with the issue at its core.  When you begin to blame others remember it fails to get at the core problems and as a result, fails to achieve its purpose.   When someone blames you for their problems keep in mind this is what they are doing, but also take a moment to reflect if you have done the same recently.  God usually reminds us of what we do by looking at others actions around us.

4.  I have been “guilty” of doing this over and over, being overly nice or self-sacrificing. People sometimes compensate for feelings of shame or unworthiness by attempting to be exceptionally nice to others. By pleasing everyone else, we hope to prove our worth. However, this inevitably involves covering up our true feelings, which is, once again, self-defeating.  THis is sooooooo true!!  I myself do this and see many others do it too.  Sometimes those old saying such as “easier to catch flies with honey” meaning being sweet gets you further in life.  Well that only works in some situations, you have to begin to learn when to be sweet and when not to be.  Do you often say yes when you want to say no?  Think about this example and reflect what is going on inside you that you want others to like you? In reality you can not make them like you, trying to please doesn’t guarantee them liking you.  Often they begin to take advantage of you and then you begin a new pattern and feeling bad.

5.  Ah the big one!! I see so many people withdrawal from the real world. By withdrawing from the real world, we can essentially numb ourselves to the feelings of guilt and shame so that we are no longer upset by these sorts of things. Again, nothing has been done to address the core issues of the problem.  Examples of withdrawal are watching TV way to much, consumed with it, prefers TV time over spending time with you.  On computer way to much just surfing sites.  Withdrawal has a mix of emotions that pair with depression too.

 

These are just reminders to look inside yourself to help you think of new ways to live.  To open up communication with others to get their views and opinions.

Enjoy today ~

Guilt Antidotes

Guilt can kill you.  If you hold it in long enough and let it consume you, it will and can kill you from the outside in.  How? Because it is suppressive, it affects our lives negatively and creates unhappiness.

I found these antidotes on this informative website and wanted to share them with you.  http://healthfreedoms.org/2011/09/07/forget-guilt-7-antidotes/

ANTIDOTE 1 – Reflect on responsibility. Often it may prove it is/was not my responsibility or fault! Blaming oneself for everything negative that happens is a form of ignorance and self-centeredness. Obviously, if I am careless and intended to cause problems, then I should take my responsibility and see to it that I will not repeat this regrettable action. Or maybe I need to ask myself, “Am I responsible for how this person feels?”

ANTIDOTE 2 – Reflect on motivation. An act done with a positive intention, especially without any self-interest is not negative, although other people may be harmed by it. The suffering experience of others is strictly spoken the result of their own actions, and apparently I just happened to be part of the circumstances that could ripen their negative actions. However, we may have made some mistakes like wrong communication or insufficient attention or so. If this is the case, it should just be a reason to change our habits by improving our communication or mindfulness.

ANTIDOTE 3 – Changing or accepting. If you can change yourself or the situation, change it! If you can’t change yourself or the situation for a good reason, accept it! Not acting where we can and could act can lead to frustration and guilt in the long run; just like acting where we actually cannot do anything.

ANTIDOTE 4 – Analyze the use of feeling guilty. For example: Imagine three people coming into a restaurant and ordering the same meal. One of them begins eating first, several minutes later the second begins his meal, and finally the third begins his. After the third person has eaten just a few bites, the first person clutches at his abdomen, crying out in pain; and the second begins to show signs of discomfort.
How does the third person react? Not with guilt, or self-condemnation. Instead, he naturally regrets he has eaten the same food as his two companions, but rather than dwelling on the past he moves rapidly to counter the effects of the poisonous food he has eaten. His remorse is constructive. It is based in the present; it is intelligently concerned with the future effects of his recent actions; and it leads to remedying the damage already done and to caution about repeating such an act.

ANTIDOTE 5 – Forgiving. Making mistakes is an inherent human quality: if you don’t make mistakes you are definitely not a normal human being anymore. If we are unable to forgive ourselves, we will never be able to properly forgive others.

ANTIDOTE 6 – Reality check with others. If you can overcome your feelings of guilt and shame somewhat, try to discuss these matters with others and see if your reasons for feeling guilty are really valid.

ANTIDOTE 7 – Emptiness. Work at realizing that guilt is empty

Guilt vs. Shame

Until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed into your future. ~Iyanla Vanzant

This wonderful spiritual teacher has appeared on the Oprah Life Class Show recently.  I have not watched the episode myself but have seen small bits and pieces of it when I can.  So far it is a wonderful uplifting segment.  Here is the link on the 3 reasons Iyanla says people feel guilty.  We often confuse it with shame.  Guilt is when you feel you have done something wrong.  Shame is when you feel there is something wrong with who you are.

Those 2 sentences can speak volumes when you sit still long enough to absorb the message there.  Guilt is when you feel you have done something wrong.  Guilt can be from not doing what someone else wants you to do.  You feel guilty because you should have stayed over late at work to get those last 2 calls in today.  Guilt is when you ate that brownie or plate of cookies at midnight when you know better.  Guilt is a trigger inside of ourself that often pushes us to be better in some cases, not put things off when you can get them done today.  Unhealthy guilt is when you allow someone to give you a guilt trip and you fall for it.  For example a mother, father, spouse or kids “makes you feel bad” for not doing what they want you to do.  You leave feeling “bad” because you didn’t measure up to their expectations, or you didn’t stay long enough, or you didn’t run those errands or buy an item they wanted you to buy.  That is guilt in a form of an emotion that we let into our minds.

Shame on the other hand has no place in our lives.  When shame sets in we have a new set point for the pain we allow ourselves to tolerate.  Shame is when you feel something is wrong with you, at your very core of your being.  Let’s take the above example in guilt and see how it can spiral out of control in our minds.  We allow ourselves to feel bad because we didn’t do something someone wanted us to do, or measure up to their expectations, or stay long enough or buy what they wanted you to buy them. If you begin to internalize their opinions of you about the situation this can and will lead to shame. You begin to buy into their opinions of you and you start to believe new destructive beliefs about yourself.  For example they may say you are not living up to your potential.  Or you never spend enough time with me.  If you hear that enough you can begin to believe it, it begins to wear you down if you are not aware of what is going on in your head.

Here is the link to the show I mentioned above.  http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/Iyanla-Vanzant-Reveals-the-Three-Reasons-People-Feel-Guilty-Video

Enjoy~

Buddism and Guilt

Sometimes learning how different religions view our everyday problems can help open up our minds.  If you have never explored Buddhism please keep on open mind while reading this blog today.  You might learn or expand your view a little.   I begin this article begging your indulgence. I’m not a formally trained Buddhist; I’m not a teacher.  I am here as a person who shares information in a way I interpret it.

Buddhism definition of guilt is: The use of guilt here is not referring to the mere fact of being guilty of something, but it refers to seeing or projecting one’s mistakes, while not knowing what to do about them or refusing to correct them.
In this definition, guilt is a negative, paralysing emotion, based on non-acceptance of oneself or the situation, and it leads to depression and frustration rather than change or improvement.

Thus being guilt is a negative focus on oneself leading to negative self talk such as I am worthless, I am evil.  This can even lead to one’s own self-hatred, and certainly contributes to lack of self-confidence. Instead of recognising that ones actions are incorrect, one gets the feeling as if one is unworthy, as if “I” is intrinsically bad.  Emotions often lie to us to propel us further into feeling worse or just the opposite too.
In Buddhism such type of guilt is categorised as a disturbing attitude: one doesn’t see the situation clearly and may well be a tricky form of self-centredness.

Therefore asking for repentance is the next step.  It is seen as very important factor to improve our ways of thinking and behaving. The positive/transforming aspect of guilt can be that we admit our mistakes, ponder over them and motivate ourselves to not repeat negative actions.  After asking for forgiveness one learns from the mistakes he/she has made.  You then make resolutions to be as mindful as you can, so as to never repeat them under any circumstances. In this sense, repentance is about forgiving oneself through expressing regret and turning over a new leaf, absolving oneself of unhealthy guilt while renewing determination to further avoid evil, do good and purify the mind with greater diligence.  Sounds like what one does in church doesn’t it? Or through prayers at the end of the day before going to sleep at night.  Asking for forgiveness for all the small/big things that were done during each day.

For me I am gently reminded by a good friend that practices Buddhism about guilt it is this.  When you carry around guilt in our minds is like hiking up a mountain and picking up every rock we stub our toe upon and throwing it in our backpack. That is unskillful. It is unnecessary suffering and it stems from a belief in a separate self. That somehow we are so important that we should suffer more than anyone else. It is also the belief that we are so powerful that we can actually revisit these past unskillful actions and somehow in reliving them change the result. How heavy is your backpack? For me lately I have a very heavy backpack.  I have been working very hard to live in the moment and release guilt and shame.

Fun story to make you think this morning

                                      Finding a Piece of the Truth

One day Mara, the Evil One, was travelling through the villages of India with his attendants. he saw a man doing walking meditation whose face was lit up on wonder. The man had just discovered something on the ground in front of him.

Mara’s attendant asked what that was and Mara replied, “A piece of truth.” “Doesn’t this bother you when someone finds a piece of truth, O Evil One?” his attendant asked. “No,” Mara replied. “Right after this, they usually make a belief out of it.”

From 108 Treasures for the Heart: A Guide for Daily Living by Benny Liow

Guilt, Guilty or Guilt Ridden

Have you ever felt guilty? I mean that sinking feeling you can’t shake even though in your head you know better? How many forms of guilt are there, let’s name a few on here to refresh your memory? Let’s see there is the guilt trip (usually given to you by someone else), feeling guilty after you do something, or the worry of an outcome that hasn’t even happened yet, or a moms guilt which is a huge one (could go for dads too I guess).

I think this is the mother of all guilt:   Primordial guilt… Ever feel that no matter what you do, or don’t do, somehow, you did the wrong thing or the result will be screwed up? And if, by chance, you feel blameless, then someone supposedly more astute confirms your culpability. Urrrhh.

This month of August (even though I am a few days ahead we are going to look at guilt in our lives and figure out ways we can empower ourselves instead of defeating ourselves.)

Here is the definition of guilt from the dictionary: Guilt is the state of being responsible for the commission of an offense.^[1] It is also a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation.^[2] It is closely related to the concept of remorse. Be clear on what it is we are learning about here.  In this definition we can see whether it is true or not we “feel” guilt as being true more often than not and this does affect our reactions to situations.

Guilt is the emotional reaction people may feel if they believe they are directly or indirectly responsible for something bad happening.  You take on feelings that make you feel negative and begin to dwell on them over and over everyday.  How does this help anyone in life to move forward? You can feel bad a bout your behavior and its consequences.  This is different from the feeling of shame, because people who feel shame are evaluating themselves as bad—not just their actions. For example, if you feel bad for telling a lie, that would be a feeling of guilt. However, if you feel bad for being a liar, that would be a feeling of shame.

Are there any benefits or functions of guilt we can use in a positive way? I see the two main functions of guilt are to serve as a way of punishing oneself for bad behavior (negative way), or it can also be a catalyst for changing whatever situation caused the feelings of guilt in the first place (positive if used correctly). Both of these functions can help people to be more aware of their actions affecting other people around them.  In fact, people who don’t feel guilt and remorse from time to time are considered mentally ill. However, guilt can also have harmful effects when it causes people to withdraw from others. Also, there are occasions where people feel irrational guilt for things that are beyond their control. It is only natural, but in this case it is counterproductive.  Guilt is not a good emotion to hang onto for a long period of time.  It is a good idea to learn to feel it then let it go in a healthy way.  Not hold on to it for any long period of time  due to getting stuck in a rut and unable to move past the feeling.  Ignoring guilt does not work either, like all emotions it needs to be processed and released.  If you look at guilt as a positive force in life it can be looked at this way. Guilty feelings arise when something really is your fault. You take responsibility for your actions. When you feel guilt in this situation, it is your conscience at work, and that is a very good thing. What kind of world would this be if most people didn’t care when their actions had adverse effects on other people? Healthy guilt involves accountability for ones own actions. Although those actions can’t be undone, healthy guilt will motivate people to find ways to better the situation that they caused.  Sometimes overcoming good guilt is as simple as  doing what your conscience naturally tells you to do. Taking the first steps your intuition encourages you to do and the results will be productive.  Naturally it depends on how serious the event is that you feel guilty about. It may take a long time to undo the damage you have done, and even the right thing to do isn’t always an easy thing to do.

People may be prone to guilt if they around other people who use it as a means of manipulation. Ever have these kind of people in your life? The ones that give you guilt trips because you aren’t doing what they want you to do? Because guilty people often feel the need to make up for the harm they have done, manipulative people can take advantage of that by guiding people towards conclusions that leave them feeling guilty. It may be entertaining on television when a character gains something by convincing someone else that the situation was his or her fault, but the resentment of being manipulated in real life is no laughing matter.

Unhealthy guilt are  feelings that aren’t based in reality or rationality. It happens when people feel guilty for something they didn’t cause or couldn’t help causing. This kind of  guilt often gets its roots from guilt and unworthiness that a person has been conditioned to feel, whether from past or present feelings. Unhealthy relationships and environments sometimes cause people to feel responsible for things that are really outside of their realm of responsibility. As an example, we cannot assume responsibility for how others feel because of our actions. It would be healthy to feel guilty for making weight jokes about a woman who is sensitive about her weight, but it would be unhealthy to feel guilty for becoming a doctor when your mother always wanted you to be a lawyer.

Overcoming this type of negativity in our mind can sometimes be a little tougher.  You may need to tackle it from both  the outside and inside. upon inner reflection, it is useful to think in terms of logic about what is within you.  Not what is  within a persons’ control. It is also important to reflect upon all of the things you do which make you an important person who is worthwhile to be around. Surround yourself with people who reinforce these ideas and don’t tear down your self-esteem. Allowing yourself to start tearing yourself down is not a healthy reaction, only you can control what you say or believe about yourself.  You do NOT have to buy into what others say about you.  That is their opinion about you and you can choose to let them have it without affecting you.  Getting professional help is an opition also.

The last point for today is important to remember: Negative feelings like guilt have a place in all of us, no one is immune from them. Without them, the good feelings would have nothing to stand out against. The most important thing is to make negative feelings work for you instead of against you.  That is what we will be looking at ways to do this month.  Working for us instead of against us.

Enjoy~

What Do You Know?

I never had the time to sit down and watch Oprah or any other show for that matter.  If the TV was on it was on Disney channel or cartoon network, the kids channels.  I was lucky if I could watch a show I liked on a regular basis.  In the fall football is often on and some days I get to watch or I am listening as I clean or play with the kids.  I came across this quote on my 10 minutes of guilty pleasure on Pinintrest.  Love that site, I have to limit my browsing time though.

This is Oprah’s top 20 things she does no for sure in life.  The first one I am a true believer in too.

Since the day the late Gene Siskel asked me, “What do you know for sure?” and I got all flustered and started stuttering and couldn’t come up with an answer, I’ve never stopped asking myself that question. And every month I must find yet another answer. Some months I feel I hardly know a thing, and I’m always pressed to make the deadline for this column. This time around, I looked back and came up with my all-time top 20:

1. What you put out comes back all the time, no matter what. (This is my creed.)

2. You define your own life. Don’t let other people write your script.

3. Whatever someone did to you in the past has no power over the present. Only you give it power.

4. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. (A lesson from Maya Angelou.)

5. Worrying is wasted time. Use the same energy for doing something about whatever worries you.

6. What you believe has more power than what you dream or wish or hope for. You become what you believe.

7. If the only prayer you ever say is thank you, that will be enough. (From the German theologian and humanist Meister Eckhart.)

8. The happiness you feel is in direct proportion to the love you give.

9. Failure is a signpost to turn you in another direction.

10. If you make a choice that goes against what everyone else thinks, the world will not fall apart.

11. Trust your instincts. Intuition doesn’t lie.

12. Love yourself and then learn to extend that love to others in every encounter.

13. Let passion drive your profession.

14. Find a way to get paid for doing what you love. Then every paycheck will be a bonus.

15. Love doesn’t hurt. It feels really good.

16. Every day brings a chance to start over.

17. Being a mother is the hardest job on earth. Women everywhere must declare it so.

18. Doubt means don’t. Don’t move. Don’t answer. Don’t rush forward.

19. When you don’t know what to do, get still. The answer will come.

20. ”Trouble don’t last always.” (A line from a Negro spiritual, which calls to mind another favorite: This, too, shall pass.)

So thanks, Gene, for asking me the question.

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/The-Top-20-Things-Oprah-Knows-for-Sure#ixzz21SaPz9G9